I don't have my positive pants on this week at all. I'm mostly wishing that I could crawl out of my skin and go hide in some dark corner of nothingness where I don't exist in anyone's mind, including my own. Unfortunately that safe little place doesn't exist, so I've just been sitting with exhaustedy depressiony shit all week and dragging myself around as best I can. I can't even figure out what to post about right now. I guess I'll post a drawing about how it feels to be depressed when at a party since the thought of going to a bar last night had me in tears...
Party
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| January 1, 2012 |
After my suicide attempt, I made the decision to stop drinking and partying because of how much being drunk contributed to my attempt. It was hard because half my social life went splat when I had to stop drinking. My friends and I are all still half in college mode with regards to partying. I'm not going to ditch my friends because I don't want to party, but it's hard to be around when other people are having so much alcohol induced fun. It sucks even more to be around that when you're depressed.
I represented the activity and craziness of parties with all of the colors and movement. I represented myself as the grey bowling pin type figure on the left. Behind me are a bunch of browns and greys. I feel like I'm the boring one because being sober at a party isn't all that exciting. When I'm depressed, it's worse and I start feeling like people only talk to me because they're being polite. Basically I just feel awkward and out of place at a crazy party. They are also incredibly tiring for me to be at, which is why I was in tears at the thought of spending energy I didn't have to deal with drunk people in the city.
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