Change

I think life is trying to drive me insane. It finally lets me get a little bit more comfortable with it and then *BAM* my job, which I love, is moving to a different state and I have to look for a new one because I would probably completely fall apart if I lost my entire support system all at once by moving. Obviously major life stressors are unavoidable - people lose their jobs, get sick, lose people who are important to them - but I could have used a little more time without an extra anxiety producer.

I'm trying (pretty unsuccessfully) to think of it as a positive... it's forcing me to deal with some social anxiety. My therapist and I made an anxiety hierarchy and noticed a theme. Instead of "normal" job loss fears such as actually finding a new job, having the right qualifications, etc., my anxiety has a lot to do with social things. My biggest fear from this is having to change health insurance and having that new insurance company make me choose between keeping my primary therapist or my CBT therapist. I know how hard it is to lose a therapist, and even though it wouldn't be the same situation as before, I know that it would still be difficult.

My second fear is the change of people. I like my current coworkers and I'm comfortable with them. Changing that is nerve-wracking for me. The thought of learning the dynamics of a whole new set of people makes me uncomfortable even though I know that I am perfectly capable of normal social interactions and fitting in with new people. But I also know that before I get more comfortable, I'm going to feel very unsure of myself because I unfortunately care way too much about what other people think of me and I usually tend towards thinking they don't like me.

My third fear is the interview process... And the more I think about it, the more I think this might actually be my second biggest fear. Interviewing is basically someone judging you. I don't mean that in a necessarily bad way, but someone is making a judgement of your skills and personality to determine whether you will make a good worker and whether you are right for the environment of the workplace. Knowing that, makes me tear apart every single detail of every single conversation and wonder if I've ruined everything by saying "and" instead of "but".

So basically my brain is melting from all of this anxiety. I am completely incapable of having a conversation without getting distracted or zoning out at least once. I pretty much constantly feel like hurting myself. My appetite has been really weird. And I've been having ridiculous dreams/nightmares.

Change sucks.