Self-Portraiture

I went out of my normal range of style and drew some "self-portraits" that represent the inner me rather than the outer me. One of them is based on something we talked about in the POWER group that I mentioned in the last post.

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May 6, 2012

Self-Portrait

When I started this, I wasn't even going to draw a face. I'm not a huge fan of drawing realistic things since I'm a bit of a perfectionist and it really bothers me when things don't turn out how they're supposed to look. That's why I'm not a big fan of this picture but I'm trying to think of it as more of an abstract picture that doesn't really need to look realistic... I chose to make the skin blue to represent the depression that is always at least kind of there. Outside of my head is the confusion and overwhelming feelings that go along with PTSD.
                             

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May 6, 2012

Traumatized Mind (Self-Portrait 2)

This picture was inspired by the POWER group. We were talking about how there are two sides of reactions to trauma. There is the avoidant side - the one that finds ways of not thinking about the trauma. It is the dissociative half that makes it possible to become numb and to avoid or detach from difficult emotions. This half makes it possible for the person to function. The other half is the hyper-responsive side. It is the side that is hypervigilant and experiences strong emotions. This half experiences traumatic memories in intrusive and overwhelming ways. Because of the strong emotions, it may make the person impulsive, creating conflicts or self-destructive behaviors. These two halves are represented in the picture by the blue face - the numb half - and the red, fiery hair - the reactive half. The hair flames out because it feels uncontrolled and hard to contain. I like this picture more as a self-portrait. I think it represents the two sides of PTSD well.

The Wave

I am currently in a group called POWER 1, which is based on DBT but with more incorporation of the effects of trauma. A lot of the group is psycho-ed, so we spend a large portion of each session talking about the effects of trauma, coping and skills. One of the things we talked about is how emotions can be visualized as a wave. By realizing that emotions are like a wave - they peak and then will eventually subside - it can be easier to tolerate the emotion without turning to harmful behaviors. I really like this way of visualizing emotions, so I was inspired to draw something based on it.

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Shoreline

May 5, 2012

I drew the shoreline because that is the part of the wave that I visualize. The colors in the water represent the many different emotions and mixtures of emotions that one can experience. I love that feeling of standing on the sand where the waves break and feeling the water push your ankles and then pull them as it recedes again. It seems like the perfect way to imagine emotions - sometimes you get a strong wave that almost knocks you off your feet and sometimes you get a weak one that tickles your feet as it goes by. Tough emotions can be very intense and they may feel like they could push you over, but the feelings always recede again. Even if the tide is coming in and you keep getting hit by more and more intense waves (maybe like when you're dealing with a bout of depression), the tide always goes down again. When you're really suffering and feeling a lot of pain, it can be hard to believe that you'll ever come out on the other side, but you really actually do, so it's very important to me to remember the wave and know that it doesn't and can't go on forever.

ART!!! (And Strength)

I'm posting something that I drew just for the hell of it. I wasn't really trying to express anything particular but I guess things still come out in my drawings whether I'm being intentional about it or not.

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Fire Lily

April 10, 2012

This started out because I wanted to draw something fiery and then I wanted it to be something beautiful, like a flower, so I turned it into a lily pad. To me it looks like pain but also strength. It is something alive despite the darkness that surrounds it.

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It's really strange to be on the other side of a bad period of depression. I can see how irrational my thinking was and I actually feel like I learned a lot of things from it that will arm me for my next encounters with those thoughts. I hope that I am like that flower - blazing stronger than all the darkness of depression and the pain of my past that presses in on me. 

I had this horrible dream a few days ago that was very painful but also gave me added strength to fight my irrational thoughts and suicidal ideation. In the dream, I had just tried to kill myself and I was watching from behind a locked door as my parents sat with my body and desperately tried to get through the door because they knew that my spirit was there and they needed to get to me so that they could save me. As I watched them I became incredibly sad - a deep grief that I feel a lot in my dreams that makes me feel like sobbing forever. I changed my mind and floated through a window in the door to get back to my body. I became really scared because at first it seemed like it was too late and I was already dead but I refused to accept that and I forced myself to be alive and in my body and my dad helped me stay there. I felt horrible the next day, thinking about what I had put my parents through when I ended up in the hospital because of a suicide attempt. But I also think that this dream showed me almost first hand what the consequences of that kind of choice are and gave me more strength to not make that choice when those thoughts attack.

Thoughts About Medication

I'm really droppin' the ball here on posting... and this post isn't even going to include artwork! Oh no!! I do have some - I just haven't scanned anything into my computer yet. Laziness I guess. But I am at work, nothing to do, so I have decided to post something.

I have been pretty stable. Which feels kind of weird. I'm still sort of waiting for it to fall apart... but it isn't! I think it really really helped when I got off most of the million medications I was on just a few months ago. I am all for treating mental health issues with medications - I think it can be extremely helpful - however my treatment team and I believe that I was being over-medicated and it was having the opposite effect of what it was supposed to be doing. SO, I would encourage anyone who feels like they are maybe on too many medications to talk to their doctor about it. Maybe you're on the right meds for you, maybe you're not, but either way talking to your doctor isn't going to hurt. For a while I was just going along with everything I was told to take, without questioning it, because I just wanted to feel better and I felt like the more the better... NOT TRUE. I now have a nurse practitioner who is really great and I feel like she's being careful and really thinking about what medications I should be on and she's listening to what I have to say. I don't feel like I'm being rushed while I'm in her office and I don't feel like I'm disappointing her when something isn't working (a past problem). She also communicates with both my general practitioner and my therapist and I have to admit that it's been pretty helpful and has increased my safety in a couple situations. 

My primary therapist, CBT/skills therapist and nurse practitioner are all proud of my progress and I guess I am too. I'm definitely not saying that I'm all better - but I haven't felt this OK or in control in a while and it feels really good. Yay!

As Is

This is the third picture in the series of drawings I did on particular memories. I've been putting off posting this because I've been debating a lot in my head about how to explain what I drew, but I don't think I can say anything to explain it without getting way too anxious about it. So I'm just posting the picture as is...

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Surrounded

March 10, 2012

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!

I made a list of 25 things that make me really happy. I'm talking like, exhiliratingly happy. Like when you get that bubbly feeling that starts in your stomach and turns into a giggle when you're really excited about something.

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25 Things That Make Me Super Happy

1. The smell when it first starts raining on a warm day.
2. Getting into clean pajamas and snuggling into bed with freshly laundered sheets.
3. Joking around with my brother.
4. The smell of wood fires.
5. Listening to pouring rain while falling asleep.
6. Being a secret dork with my roommate.
7. The quiet feeling outside when it's snowing a lot.
8. When my mom does something nice for me just because.
9. Sitting on dunes at dusk and listening to the ocean.
10. Being really goofy with my coworker.
11. Playing with dogs.
12. Knowing that my dad is proud of me.
13. Skipping outside or down a really long hallway.
14. Having chicken ramen noodle soup with chunks of cheese in it when I'm craving comfort food. (I know it's weird...)
15. Going out for coffee with two of my friends.
16. Coming up with something witty to say.
17. Finding someone new that I enjoy being around.
18. Reading a really good book.
19. Rehashing a funny drunken night with college friends.
20. The beginning of spring when it starts getting warm and the first trees bloom.
21. Walking through the woods in the fall.
22. Running in the rain.
23. Going to the movies with my family.
24. The feeling on Christmas morning before anyone has opened any gifts.
25. Talking in a group and realizing that you're not alone in how you feel.

Ugh

I really don't want to explain this picture. At all...

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Unwanted Pleasure

April 6, 2012

Basically - sometimes things can feel physically good but at the same time it feels really bad because you don't want it to feel good. This is a picture of that. The brown lines represent the uncontrollable aspect of that kind of situation. The thick red line is attempting to control it, but being unable to. It feels disgusting just thinking about it.