July 19, 2013

Drinking is Bad for Me

I am trying so hard not to judge myself right now, but it feels like an impossible task. Drinking has turned into something that is just way too unsafe for me to do at the moment. I ended up taking a very dangerous overdose while I was drunk last weekend and have since been in various hospitals - first medical and now mental.

This time I have absolutely no objection to the 24-hour suicide watch I was put on in the ER. I had to go on a clear liquid diet for a day and had almost 10 bags of saline pumped into my body over the course of a couple days. I honestly feel like it's the stupidest thing I've ever done. I feel incredibly guilty about it and I'm having a really hard time going easy on myself... but that's what everyone keeps telling me to do. I just want to be like, "But don't you realize what I did?! Don't you see what a bad person I am?!"

This means that drinking has officially been added to my list of negative coping skills and therefore is something that I should not use, at least for a very long while. So I am working on making the commitment to myself to not drink as strong as possible.

10 Reasons to not drink alcohol...

1. It is potentially lethal for me because it makes me suicidal.
2. It makes me feel depressed and overwhelmed.
3. It interferes with my medications.
4. I don't like the part of me that comes out when I've been drinking a lot.
5. I often do things that I later regret if I've had a lot to drink.
6. I don't like the loss of control over my thoughts and actions.
7. It interferes with proper sleep.
8. It reduces my body's ability to fight illness.
9. It costs money.
10. It has empty calories.

July 13, 2013

Brain Overload

I'm sorry for being such an ass about posting. I just feel like there's so fucking much going on in my life right now that it's impossible to keep up. I went to the hospital. Did a bunch of art. Did a lot of trauma work with my therapist. And now there's a guy in my life that I'm pretty interested in. And that's weird for me. Usually I try to press the eject button as quickly as possible. But with this one... I really like him and he's so nice and I think he's a really good guy for me. In a drunken confession, I already told him that I have PTSD and it's because I was sexually abused, and somehow he was so nice about it. I'm just so shocked about how nice he is. But my brain is in overload. I'm dealing with all of this stupid trauma shit and then dealing with my present life with this guy that I really like and dealing with staying safe all at the same time and I don't know what to do. I just feel like there's so MUCH going on. I have my new job coming up, this new "relationship" (whatever it is) coming up and I'm feeling so dissociative. I just feel like my life isn't real. It's so hard. I don't know what I'm doing and I can't think straight. Uggghhhhhh. I'm excited, nervous, happy, scared, everything, all at the same time.