This Is Not Forever

I really hate that feeling of "nothing is ever going to be OK". It has been suffocating me for a few weeks now. Nothing is pleasurable and everything sucks. And there are so many different feelings drowning me that it's almost intolerable.

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Layers

February 21, 2012

There are so many thick layers weighing me down right now. I'm completely trapped under all of this shit. Layers of sadness and layers of anger. Layers of self-loathing and shame. Layers of fear from the past and for the future. I'm choking on all of it. I wish that collapsing under the pressure was an option. It is taking every single ounce of my will power to sit with this and convince myself that this is not a "forever suck".

Drops

I've been feeling very lonely lately. I have been keeping things in and not talking to people. Basically making things worse for myself. So I tried to draw something that represented that feeling but I didn't really succeed. And I have now been trying to talk to people. That did succeed.

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February 18, 2012

Loneliness

For some reason I was feeling like yellow was a lonely looking color so I drew a yellow sea with white raindrops surrounded by red pain falling towards it. I'm not really sure where any of it came from, it's just what came out when I started drawing.

Old and New

So I met my new therapist last week. She was nice and it went pretty well. I tried to not compare her to my old therapist but it was impossible not to.

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Versus

February 18, 2012

I wanted to show how different they seem to me. The bottom is my old therapist. The swirliness and pinks represents the comfort and safety that I felt with her. I feel like we worked well together and good things came from the relationship. The bottom is separated from the top by a big green area to show how they feel like they are from different worlds. The top is my new therapist. Things are more angular because I'm unsure yet of what things are going to be like with her. It's at the uncomfortable and awkward stage because we don't know each other yet. I used bright colors though because I do hope that it will be a good relationship and that it will work out well.

Empty

I have been cutting myself off from my emotions recently to protect myself, since I haven't had a primary therapist to talk to. I just had a first appointment with a new therapist so that was exciting. She was nice, but I think I have to give it some time to get used to. In the mean time, I have been feeling that empty feeling that I get that comes with depression especially when I don't want to feel my emotions.

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The Dead Zone

February 18, 2012

The middle is the dead zone where I feel empty. The red that surrounds it is pain because I know that the dead feeling is trying to cover up the pain that I'm feeling from my emotions. Around that is my exterior, skin color, vulnerable. I wanted there to be a big contrast between the dead feeling and the exterior.

Sadness

The following drawing was mostly inspired by my recent dreams but also by other experiences as well as my drawing from Memories.

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Flood

February 12, 2012

I drew this because I was having a lot of dreams lately where I ended up sobbing uncontrollably. I've been feeling sad during the day but I guess, because I wasn't releasing any of it by crying, it was coming out at night in my dreams. It's like flooding in my sleep. I used to flood sometimes because I rarely cried about things unless I was physically injured. (Flooding for me is experiencing overwhelming and intense emotions for a long time, usually until exhausted.) I haven't really had that recently because I'm able to cry about more things, so it's weird that the flooding was coming out again in my dreams. I felt even more alone than when I flood when I'm awake because I knew that I was dreaming and I had no one to turn to when I was asleep. It also didn't leave me feeling like I had any kind of real release of emotions so it didn't seem to have any benefit. Drawing this helped me release some of those feelings and then crying at CBT helped as well so I haven't been having any more dreams of sobbing.

Uninspired

Apologies for not posting in a while. I haven't been very inspired to draw since my "Scary" series. I'm starting up again but, before I post some of my new stuff, I'm going to show you how uninspired I was. My dad wanted me to draw something positive so he gave me a "homework assignment" to draw something that represented emergence. I drew something that looks like it came out of a sci-fi movie...

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January 28, 2012

Worm Thing

I'm pretty embarrassed to even post this. But it's all I have scanned into my computer right now. As you can see - it looks like a weird ugly worm in a puddle of gunk. It was supposed to be some sort of wing emerging from a pool of darkness. But I wasn't really feeling the theme so it didn't turn out anything like I intended it to... obviously...

Protection

Armor

January 20, 2012

I drew this right before I had the really hard night from a few weekends ago. I felt really vulnerable and like my armor was falling apart. So I drew my armor as really beat up and cracking under the pressure of all of my emotions. I'm already wounded under the armor and that was starting to bleed out. Basically it shows how I felt like I was crumbling and couldn't handle everything that was going on. I've healed up a little and rebuilt my armor again. I've been doing healthy things for myself and trying to be nice to myself. I finally have a new therapist, who I haven't met yet, but the fact that I have one is helping me feel a little less vulnerable. So I'm generally feeling more positive again, which is a big relief.