I'm slowly fighting my way out of a really shitty period of depression. I was feeling really horrible about myself for letting myself get to this point. Depression is so stupid. It's like, "Hey, let's make you feel shitty. And also make you feel shitty about feeling shitty." So fun. But I am now getting little breaths of fresh air; of actually seeing that maybe things will be OK. That definitely helps with dealing with those feelings.
Disappointment
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| February 21, 2012 |
This is my big pile of disappointment in myself. I hate struggling with safety. Every time I do something when I'm feeling bad, I swear to myself that it will never happen again and I really am determined every single time I make that promise. Then something happens in my head where I just get to the point where I don't care anymore and I give up. And then I feel even worse because when I can think again, I realize what I did and that it has set me back. So I guess I just have to go with what my therapist told me - to take something from every time it has happened and learn something from it. My lesson from this time: asking for help before things get really bad is really important. I spent so much energy on pretending that things weren't going downhill that I didn't notice how far downhill things were going.
My brain is now officially mush. It took me about two and a half hours to finish this because I can't think and I'm half watching TV...
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