July 13, 2012

Too Literal

Of course, right after I wrote in the last post all about how amazing it is that I hadn't felt a lot of cutting urges and how I was getting less afraid of falling back into depression... I got a little bit depressed over the weekend and even more anxious over the past week. Not that I'm going to take credit away from myself for having fewer and less intense self-harm urges. It's just ironic that I wrote all of that and then had a tougher week with regards to self-harm thoughts and mood issues.

I have some drawings now!

June 27, 2012


I'm not exactly sure how to describe this picture. I guess I was trying to draw some of my disgust at specific memories and it turned out WAY too literal for me. The middle pink area is hairy skin on a naked person. But I really couldn't even bear what I had drawn so I had to scribble at least parts of it out. I hated that it even existed on paper so I had to hide it. I even hid the picture behind another one in my portfolio so that I don't have to look at it and anyone else who looks through my portfolio won't see it. I didn't want to post it here, but I try to be as honest as possible here and it didn't feel right not to post it.


  1. I have done the scribbling also, only in my journal. The first flash of my mother molesting me was so vivid and I had strong body memory with it. I wrote it very descriptive and detailed as I saw and felt it. Then afterwards I went and scribbled over some of the details because of the intense shame.I do try to be honest with myself but it seems sometimes the details takes my breath away. I went back to it slowly, the parts I scribbled. It hurts so deeply but the shame is not as intense. You encouraged me tonight in sharing your experience with this drawing. I too have been doing good lately, the suicide thoughts are not as threatening, but recently I feel that I have had a setback. Again I am encourage to read that you have experienced a tough time after having such a good season. It's all a part of the healing process that's what I'm understanding. The race isn't given to the swift nor the strong but all who stay with it and experience all levels of victories. I just got to this post tonight but it's tonight that I needed it the most..Thank you Kate for sharing. Be forever encouraged...RiRi

    1. RiRi,

      Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences. I know exactly what you mean about details taking your breath away - but I think it's really important to get the details out like we did through writing or drawing, even if we did scribble them out. In the past I would have just ignored it and not wanted to make anything "real", so it's a step forward to be able to draw or write certain memories before hiding them away again.

      I am also glad to hear that you have been doing well lately. Don't be discouraged by setbacks, they are scary but they do not mean that you've lost all of the progress that you've made. I think you're right that this is about staying in the fight - every victory is important and a step forwards in healing.

      I'm glad that this post helped you and I hope that your good period continues!