December 21, 2011

A Note

I am, as usual, feeling sad about not having a connection with a therapist right now. I wish it were as easy to get over it as people keep telling me. I was reading part II of 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman while I was waiting for three hours at the garage today. Part of it really hit home and made me feel so sad. Basically, before my hospitalization I was feeling really helpless and I had a victim mindset and I wanted someone to rescue me so that I didn't have to go through any more pain. I was giving up and my therapist was fighting for me harder than I was. Looking back on it now, I know that, and I know that isn't good, and I know that I can change that now. I know that my relationship with her shouldn't be like that. I'm so angry that I wasn't able to see that before and that I didn't fight harder for myself. 

My CBT therapist said I have a switch that I turned on because suddenly I had to cope with the world by myself. The switch (which I think is determination) has helped me completely turn my mindset around. I am fighting now and I'm safe now but I'm still upset with how things turned out. I'm frustrated that I can't change the past and I can't change how insanely slowly time is moving now because I want to prove to everyone that I can be in control of my own recovery and that I can fight for myself. I know 100% that I can. 

I know that I can do this with or without my old therapist but she was an incredibly important support for a year and a half, she is the reason that I am where I am in my recovery. When I'm feeling invalidated,  I now tell myself all of the things that she told me that I couldn't take in before. I listen to all of the helpful advice she gave me before that I didn't have the energy to use. I now have this little positive coach that sits in my head with her voice.  But I feel a void in my life because I just really miss talking with her. It's a really horrible and hard mourning process.

My parents gave me "love" and "encouragement" magnets while I was in the hospital. I was making phrases to cheer myself on and then I started writing a little note to her, which still represents how I feel.

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