Thoughts About Medication

I'm really droppin' the ball here on posting... and this post isn't even going to include artwork! Oh no!! I do have some - I just haven't scanned anything into my computer yet. Laziness I guess. But I am at work, nothing to do, so I have decided to post something.

I have been pretty stable. Which feels kind of weird. I'm still sort of waiting for it to fall apart... but it isn't! I think it really really helped when I got off most of the million medications I was on just a few months ago. I am all for treating mental health issues with medications - I think it can be extremely helpful - however my treatment team and I believe that I was being over-medicated and it was having the opposite effect of what it was supposed to be doing. SO, I would encourage anyone who feels like they are maybe on too many medications to talk to their doctor about it. Maybe you're on the right meds for you, maybe you're not, but either way talking to your doctor isn't going to hurt. For a while I was just going along with everything I was told to take, without questioning it, because I just wanted to feel better and I felt like the more the better... NOT TRUE. I now have a nurse practitioner who is really great and I feel like she's being careful and really thinking about what medications I should be on and she's listening to what I have to say. I don't feel like I'm being rushed while I'm in her office and I don't feel like I'm disappointing her when something isn't working (a past problem). She also communicates with both my general practitioner and my therapist and I have to admit that it's been pretty helpful and has increased my safety in a couple situations. 

My primary therapist, CBT/skills therapist and nurse practitioner are all proud of my progress and I guess I am too. I'm definitely not saying that I'm all better - but I haven't felt this OK or in control in a while and it feels really good. Yay!

As Is

This is the third picture in the series of drawings I did on particular memories. I've been putting off posting this because I've been debating a lot in my head about how to explain what I drew, but I don't think I can say anything to explain it without getting way too anxious about it. So I'm just posting the picture as is...

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Surrounded

March 10, 2012

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!

I made a list of 25 things that make me really happy. I'm talking like, exhiliratingly happy. Like when you get that bubbly feeling that starts in your stomach and turns into a giggle when you're really excited about something.

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25 Things That Make Me Super Happy

1. The smell when it first starts raining on a warm day.
2. Getting into clean pajamas and snuggling into bed with freshly laundered sheets.
3. Joking around with my brother.
4. The smell of wood fires.
5. Listening to pouring rain while falling asleep.
6. Being a secret dork with my roommate.
7. The quiet feeling outside when it's snowing a lot.
8. When my mom does something nice for me just because.
9. Sitting on dunes at dusk and listening to the ocean.
10. Being really goofy with my coworker.
11. Playing with dogs.
12. Knowing that my dad is proud of me.
13. Skipping outside or down a really long hallway.
14. Having chicken ramen noodle soup with chunks of cheese in it when I'm craving comfort food. (I know it's weird...)
15. Going out for coffee with two of my friends.
16. Coming up with something witty to say.
17. Finding someone new that I enjoy being around.
18. Reading a really good book.
19. Rehashing a funny drunken night with college friends.
20. The beginning of spring when it starts getting warm and the first trees bloom.
21. Walking through the woods in the fall.
22. Running in the rain.
23. Going to the movies with my family.
24. The feeling on Christmas morning before anyone has opened any gifts.
25. Talking in a group and realizing that you're not alone in how you feel.

Ugh

I really don't want to explain this picture. At all...

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Unwanted Pleasure

April 6, 2012

Basically - sometimes things can feel physically good but at the same time it feels really bad because you don't want it to feel good. This is a picture of that. The brown lines represent the uncontrollable aspect of that kind of situation. The thick red line is attempting to control it, but being unable to. It feels disgusting just thinking about it.

Rape

So because I've been thinking a lot about the abuse recently, my therapist suggested I draw something about the memories. I did a little series of pictures based on general memories and also on specific memories. Because of the subject matter of the pictures, I'm not sure I can do much explaining, but I'll try. This is the first in the series.

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April 4, 2012

Three Ways of Pain

This picture is kind of a simple way to show how there are basically three options for points of attack in rape. As usual, I used green and brown for the disgust and shame aspects and red for the pain. I used grey to show the numb feeling I used to protect myself from the horrible feeling of being invaded and having a complete loss of ownership over my own body.

Obsessing

First of all: Happy Easter/Passover/Sunday/whatever you want to celebrate!

I've still been doing pretty well with regards to depression, I haven't been feeling all that down recently. With regards to PTSD, I have been struggling a little bit. I've been having a lot of intrusive symptoms - bad dreams, thoughts and memories. Ugh. It's not very fun.

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Spinning Train

March 24, 2012

The black spiral represents the spinning obsessive thoughts that I can't control. The thoughts go around and around in circles as I try to figure out the memories, as if that will fix everything. Spewing off of that obsessive thought cycle are the gross green and brown/orange feelings of disgust and pain that I feel when I think about the memories of abuse.

March

I don't like Saint Patrick's Day. It makes most of March a little bit more triggering than any other time of the year. I wont be specific, but it reminds me of the abuse. It's kind of my excuse for not blogging or drawing a lot during March - I think I was trying to avoid thinking and feeling. But I did end up drawing something for St. Patrick's Day...

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March 18, 2012

Unlucky

The three bright green things represent the three leaves of a clover. They are surrounded by spikes of ickiness with a background of a gross color of green. These colors always seem to be the main ones I use to represent how disgusting the abuse feels to me.