Filth

Body

November 25, 2012

This drawing is from the series where I was trying to portray feelings of shame. This drawing is simply showing a body with filth covering the areas that I feel are defiled and disgusting on my own body because of what happened. I put the greenish color over the mouth, hands, and female areas. I also put tape over the mouth to represent how I felt silenced by the shame. The hole in place of a belly button represents the damaged feeling; feeling like a part of me died and rotted away. The full drawing actually has the whole head and face but I hate seeing the eyes on it so much that I couldn't post it here. I'm not sure what exactly it is about the eyes, but maybe they make me identify with it too much and that makes it too humiliating to share with people.

New Year Resolution

Happy New Year!

I'm glad that I don't really believe in the idea that your whole year has to go the same way that it starts out... because I had kiiiind of a shaky start to 2013. I had a really nice Christmas with my family, and it was a nice break from thinking about things. But once I got home, I suddenly crashed into feeling depressed and anxious. Maybe I was holding it all back so that I could enjoy the holidays and it had to attack me when the holidays were over. It's not really the worst depression I've ever felt, but I was still surprised because I haven't really felt this kind of grey, flat, want-to-isolate depression in a while.

I had to make a slightly belated new years resolution based on something that happened within the first hour of the new year and also based on a review of the past year. Everything that I did in the last year that I really regret and for which I felt disappointed in myself, occurred because I had at least a couple of drinks in me. So, my resolution is to have no more than one drink in a given day. 

In 2011, after my suicide attempt, I stopped drinking altogether for a while because I knew that I'm more likely to hurt myself when I've been drinking. But this past year I started getting more comfortable because I felt like I was mentally well enough to be able to drink whatever I wanted without doing anything stupid. But I pretty much disproved that theory on new years. When I drink, my inhibitions are down and I start to give into any impulse I have. If my thoughts start spiraling in a negative direction it turns into a dangerous situation and that's what happened on new years. 

After the new years situation, I spent about an hour crying in therapy about how disappointed I am in myself, and then a half hour promising that I'm safe and then immediately after all of that I got a $200 speeding ticket on my way to work. Woo! Soooo yeah, not a great start to the year. But last year started out even shittier and it turned out pretty OK overall. Maybe this will even turn out to be a good year...