January 5, 2013

New Year Resolution

Happy New Year!

I'm glad that I don't really believe in the idea that your whole year has to go the same way that it starts out... because I had kiiiind of a shaky start to 2013. I had a really nice Christmas with my family, and it was a nice break from thinking about things. But once I got home, I suddenly crashed into feeling depressed and anxious. Maybe I was holding it all back so that I could enjoy the holidays and it had to attack me when the holidays were over. It's not really the worst depression I've ever felt, but I was still surprised because I haven't really felt this kind of grey, flat, want-to-isolate depression in a while.

I had to make a slightly belated new years resolution based on something that happened within the first hour of the new year and also based on a review of the past year. Everything that I did in the last year that I really regret and for which I felt disappointed in myself, occurred because I had at least a couple of drinks in me. So, my resolution is to have no more than one drink in a given day. 

In 2011, after my suicide attempt, I stopped drinking altogether for a while because I knew that I'm more likely to hurt myself when I've been drinking. But this past year I started getting more comfortable because I felt like I was mentally well enough to be able to drink whatever I wanted without doing anything stupid. But I pretty much disproved that theory on new years. When I drink, my inhibitions are down and I start to give into any impulse I have. If my thoughts start spiraling in a negative direction it turns into a dangerous situation and that's what happened on new years. 

After the new years situation, I spent about an hour crying in therapy about how disappointed I am in myself, and then a half hour promising that I'm safe and then immediately after all of that I got a $200 speeding ticket on my way to work. Woo! Soooo yeah, not a great start to the year. But last year started out even shittier and it turned out pretty OK overall. Maybe this will even turn out to be a good year...


  1. This year WILL be better. I can feel it :)

    I personally do not believe in New Years Resolutions. Why put off to tomorrow what you can do today? Although, that is easier said than done! There are so many things I need to change or want to change...but can never seem to do them! 2013 will be MY year of change :)


    1. :) Definitely way easier said than done...! I'm never very good at keeping to my resolutions. Unfortunately change is hard and often takes a few mistakes and a lot of determination before it happens. I've already broken my new years resolution!! But I actually made a different one to replace the one that I broke right before I broke it. I will CALL SOMEBODY if I'm feeling like I might want to hurt myself (drunk or not).
      I wish you luck in working towards the changes that you want for this year!

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