February 13, 2013

Letting Myself Feel

I've been trying to get myself to draw but I haven't been able to yet. My therapist and I have been talking about anger and loss, so it seems like it would be a really good time to express some of that. Maybe this weekend I'll do something.

I feel like I have TONS going on in my head right now - I've been trying to let myself feel some of the scary emotions that I usually try to push away or "do something" with. I think that I've been coping with it all pretty well though. I haven't been feeling as depressed and I have a feeling of catharsis from letting myself experience emotions. I also feel like I've been able to understand myself a little more. I never truly realized how well my mind manages to hide things from me and I probably don't even fully recognize the extent of it yet. I've become more aware of my brain fighting with itself to change from what I'm used to and what's easy, to what's more healthy.

All of that awareness made me start thinking about what I was like in high school and how I reacted to feelings of anger, sadness and anxiety by immediately pushing them away, often by using unhealthy coping skills like hurting myself. I was so good at it that I didn't even know why I was doing it, other than that it made some sort of discomfort go away. I've been able to deal with some of those things now by using positive coping. I have a new mantra that I've been saying to myself: "I know I'm a good person and I am in control." I've also been doing things that make me feel good about myself, like cooking dinner for myself, and doing things that are distracting when I know I need to not think about things.

I don't know if any of what I wrote made sense or if it was just really repetitive... but the sum up is that I'm feeling pretty good and I'm making some good progress in therapy. Yay!


  1. Glad to hear you are feeling good. What a great mantra, I think I need to make one up for myself, including the 'I am in control' bit.


    1. Positive mantra's are great! I was very skeptical at first, but they really are helpful, especially when you notice you're having negative thoughts. It's easier (I use that term lightly) to replace negative thoughts than to just stop having them. I've found that the 'I am in control' part not only helps with feeling safer, but it also helps with feeling more assertive. Good luck finding a mantra!

  2. A big thing for me is being in control. I MUST have control. It's hard learning and realising I CAN'T have control over everything. And I agree, just stopping things like negative thoughts and self harming is easier said than done. Replacing them with less negative thoughts and not as harmful actions is just the stepping stone to actually stopping it completely. One day hey...