December 8, 2012


I can't really tell if I'm doing OK or if I'm just detached from my emotions... maybe a little bit of both? If that's possible? It's like a lot of the time I feel fine but life feels a little surreal, which actually makes being at work easy. Then in the evening I get flashbacks and obsess about stuff that's happened or feel really irritated. Then at night when I'm sleeping I have crazy dreams where I have super intense emotions to make up for the lack of emotions during the day.

The epic battle that goes on in my head about whether all of my memories are true or not is still ongoing. I had this memory that somehow made me really accept that what happened is real. Then a few days later I happened to drive past someone who abused me and suddenly I doubted myself again. Why do some perpetrators have to look so normal?? I feel like he should look like some big scary monster...

Sea of Shame

November 25, 2012
This drawing is my shame in a nutshell. The black/grey "sun" thing in the corner is where I want to disappear into when I'm feeling really bad about myself. It would probably make more sense to describe it as a black hole. A sense of humiliation makes me wish that I could just shrink so small that I don't exist anymore. The sea of green represents the vastness of the shame that I feel. Sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to deal with all of it and convince myself that I don't really have to be ashamed of all of the things that happened when I was young.


  1. Hi there,

    I have been reading along for a little while but have never commented. As i was reading through your blog, back from day 1, I came across a picture I drew which is so much alike, too much alike, one that you had drew.

    Just want you to know that you aren't alone. I am a young female also dealing with the seemingly never-ending shame. Your most recent post is exactly how I am feeling at the moment.

    You are so strong and brave to do this blog. I would love to do something like this, but would have no idea where to start. Thank you for letting me be a witness to your journey :)


    1. Hi S,

      I really appreciate your comments - thank you for reading my blog and thank you for thinking I'm strong and brave :). I'm so sorry that you also know how all of this shame feels, it's really a horrible feeling, but it's also always good to know that you're not alone.


      PS. I would love to see your art too (especially the one that looks alike!) if you wanted to share it with me (but no pressure of course).

  2. Hi Kate,

    I had tried replying to this a few times, but see it hasn't come through, so it must not have worked. I will try and scan a few thigns for you, and will email them through :)

    1. That's strange - sorry you had trouble commenting. I have it set so that I can moderate the comments before they're published but I didn't get anything before this one, so I don't know what happened!
      Looking forward to seeing your art!