May 22, 2012

ART!!! (And Strength)

I'm posting something that I drew just for the hell of it. I wasn't really trying to express anything particular but I guess things still come out in my drawings whether I'm being intentional about it or not.

Fire Lily

April 10, 2012
This started out because I wanted to draw something fiery and then I wanted it to be something beautiful, like a flower, so I turned it into a lily pad. To me it looks like pain but also strength. It is something alive despite the darkness that surrounds it.

It's really strange to be on the other side of a bad period of depression. I can see how irrational my thinking was and I actually feel like I learned a lot of things from it that will arm me for my next encounters with those thoughts. I hope that I am like that flower - blazing stronger than all the darkness of depression and the pain of my past that presses in on me. 

I had this horrible dream a few days ago that was very painful but also gave me added strength to fight my irrational thoughts and suicidal ideation. In the dream, I had just tried to kill myself and I was watching from behind a locked door as my parents sat with my body and desperately tried to get through the door because they knew that my spirit was there and they needed to get to me so that they could save me. As I watched them I became incredibly sad - a deep grief that I feel a lot in my dreams that makes me feel like sobbing forever. I changed my mind and floated through a window in the door to get back to my body. I became really scared because at first it seemed like it was too late and I was already dead but I refused to accept that and I forced myself to be alive and in my body and my dad helped me stay there. I felt horrible the next day, thinking about what I had put my parents through when I ended up in the hospital because of a suicide attempt. But I also think that this dream showed me almost first hand what the consequences of that kind of choice are and gave me more strength to not make that choice when those thoughts attack.

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