I think that it's time to change my blog description. This has become a place to not only share my art, but to also share my thoughts and experiences with PTSD. I think I would feel a lot less guilty about not having new artwork every time I post something if I changed the description.
So now I can share my thoughts without feeling bad that I don't have any art: I hate St. Patrick's Day. I feel like hibernating during it. A combination of this time of year and having that small contact from an abuser is making it really really hard to want to do anything other than work, eat and sleep. I am having a LOT of intrusive symptoms and it sucks.
Here's the funny thing about the Facebook friend request from one of the abusers. When I was little, he would write me little notes that asked me if I loved him and then it would have two little check boxes for 'Yes' or 'No'. I always felt like there wasn't really a choice and I had to check 'Yes'. A Facebook friend request is essentially 'Do you want to be friend's?' Check 'Yes' or 'No'. It's kind of hard not to be thrown straight into the past with that. I know in every way that I should not - do not want to - do not have to check the 'Yes' box... but the kicked down, helpless child in me feels like I have no choice. I haven't checked either one yet because I just can't do it by myself. I think I need to press the 'No' button while I'm in therapy tomorrow because I think it's going to be hard to fight the child's voice without someone to support me.
So now I can share my thoughts without feeling bad that I don't have any art: I hate St. Patrick's Day. I feel like hibernating during it. A combination of this time of year and having that small contact from an abuser is making it really really hard to want to do anything other than work, eat and sleep. I am having a LOT of intrusive symptoms and it sucks.
Here's the funny thing about the Facebook friend request from one of the abusers. When I was little, he would write me little notes that asked me if I loved him and then it would have two little check boxes for 'Yes' or 'No'. I always felt like there wasn't really a choice and I had to check 'Yes'. A Facebook friend request is essentially 'Do you want to be friend's?' Check 'Yes' or 'No'. It's kind of hard not to be thrown straight into the past with that. I know in every way that I should not - do not want to - do not have to check the 'Yes' box... but the kicked down, helpless child in me feels like I have no choice. I haven't checked either one yet because I just can't do it by myself. I think I need to press the 'No' button while I'm in therapy tomorrow because I think it's going to be hard to fight the child's voice without someone to support me.
Wow, that is terribly hard. I think ticking the 'no' box and then discussing it with your therapist sounds like a great idea, good support.
ReplyDeleteI had my abuser try to add me on facebook last year. I too had the horrible intrusive body memories for quite a while after and I undeservedly turned the hate on myself. He never wrote me notes so I didn't have a problem clicking no, but I do understand the predicament you are in. Wishing you all the strength to do what needs to be done tomorrow.
S
It sucks how one friend request can inflict such havoc on your emotions. I'm sorry that you had to go through the same thing. :(
DeleteI am very glad that I decided to click no while in therapy: she encouraged me, which helped me actually do it, and then when I did and my emotions went even more crazy, I was able to talk it through with her. I'm just hoping that the intrusive stuff fades down soon...
Well done! What a big step for you! I'm glad she helped you through it. The intrusive thoughts will die down, it will just take some time. You are doing well :)
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