Determination

There's a certain determination that kicks in when feeling threatened. In this case, I'm not talking about feeling physically threatened - I'm talking about feeling unsafe within the world because you have somehow lost control of an important aspect of your life. My actions and lack of actions have caused me to not have a say in what kind of treatment I receive, or at least who I receive treatment from, for some extended period of time. I need to get past stage one of recovery (establishing safety) in order to gain my choices back. Because I feel like I have lost some sort of control, my survival mechanism has finally kicked in. I am feeling incredibly determined. I am able to push past things that I didn't feel able or willing to before. I am willing to use the skills that I have learned. I have been somehow finding some sort of positive in everything that happens. I am absolutely determined to get through stage one of recovery. I don't care if I'm feeling too emotionally tired to get up and do something. I just tell myself that it sucks but that I have to get up and then I'll feel better. And it actually works. I'm doing all of this because I'm that desperate to feel in control again.

It feels like it's taken something very drastic for this to happen, but I'm feeling like I don't want to act on any more of the negative behaviors that I've acted on before. When I experience urges I tell myself positive things, I distract, and I tell myself that the feeling isn't going to last forever. And it doesn't. It goes away and I'm OK again. I'm even a little bit impressed with myself for working so hard.

Obviously it's not going to be easy - but I feel like this determination is really good. Really really good. I want to be better now. I don't think I did before. I think I wanted to make myself suffer because that's what I felt I deserved. But now I have motivation to feel better. I'm not even really sure if this is a healthy way to think about getting better - but isn't it supposed to just be whatever works? It shouldn't really matter what's motivating me, as long as it is.