After I did the happy memory piece of art, it brought up some other memories of being anxious during the same time period so I decided to do a little series of some of my weird childhood anxieties and fears.
 |
| July 18, 2011 |
Anxiety at the Cape
While I was drawing the joy that I used to feel when I went on vacation as a kid I also thought of the nights on vacation when I couldn't sleep and I didn't know how to cope with any of the feelings that would come up. I would lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and count to ten over and over again as fast as I could. And I would count how many times I counted to ten by tens... My goal was to count to a billion. That definitely did not happen but I did get to thirty-something thousand before I got sick of it and it was stressing me out more than helping me.
Alcatraz
 |
| July 24, 2011 |
So when I was five, we went to California and we took a tour of Alcatraz. Aaaand it freaked me the fuck out. There's a photo of me with my brother behind bars where I look completely miserable... being in that cell haunted me for a long time. I had this absurd fear for a while afterwards that I was actually stuck in Alcatraz and that I was dreaming my real life. I was a weird kid. But it sort of reflects how I felt a year later when the abuse started - completely trapped while still living my life.
 |
| July 25, 2011 |
Always Watched
One of my weird anxieties that resulted from the abuse was a fear of being secretly videotaped in private places, like when I was in the shower or going to the bathroom. (Never watch 'The Truman Show' if you already have that fear...) I still always look around in public restrooms to see if there's somewhere a camera could be hidden even though I know how unlikely it is. I tried to represent that fear with a giant ugly eyeball that's watching and hanging over me all the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment