At the end of July, I had a really bad night in which I attempted suicide. Basically I was drunk, hysterically crying for a little while, and then finally just sick of feeling like shit all the time and didn't care what happened to me anymore so I took a lot of pills. This ended me up in the emergency room for a day and a half, the hospital for 10 days, and a partial program for DBT for the remainder of August. I found the hospital and the partial program SO helpful. Before the whole experience, I was so scared of ever being hospitalized - I thought that it would mean that I was a failure and that I was disappointing people, including myself, if I had to go. I just couldn't let that happen - but I'm really really glad that it did happen. There was nothing scary about being there at all and the resources that I was provided with were amazing. They helped adjust my medications, they gave me tons of new coping skills, and I met and talked with so many amazing people that understood and related to what I was going through.
But back to the sticky stuff: I have two drawings that relate to my experience with attempting suicide from before and after that night. They are both pretty hard for me to explain. When I'm overwhelmed, I tend to not know how to describe my feelings and so I put them on paper instead.
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| July 25, 2011 |
This was from five days before I had my meltdown. I was very quickly going downhill at that point. Or maybe I was already at the bottom of the hill and just needed to be a little drunk to snap. But anyways, I was feeling hopeless and exhausted and unable to fight any more. This was all I could draw before I just stopped because I didn't care enough to make it look any better.
Suicide
Suicide
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| August 2, 2011 |
I drew this on my first full day in the hospital. This one I find hard to explain because I can't really remember any of my thought process behind it. I was in such an overwhelmed state that I was pretty dazed for the first few days of being in the hospital. I just started drawing and this is what came out.
Suicide Hotlines
- 1-800-273-TALK (8255) - National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) - Kristin Brooks Hope Center
- 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889) - Deaf Hotline
- Suicide Hotlines - Contains List of Suicide Hotlines by State
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