Happy New Year!
I'm glad that I don't really believe in the idea that your whole year has to go the same way that it starts out... because I had kiiiind of a shaky start to 2013. I had a really nice Christmas with my family, and it was a nice break from thinking about things. But once I got home, I suddenly crashed into feeling depressed and anxious. Maybe I was holding it all back so that I could enjoy the holidays and it had to attack me when the holidays were over. It's not really the worst depression I've ever felt, but I was still surprised because I haven't really felt this kind of grey, flat, want-to-isolate depression in a while.
I had to make a slightly belated new years resolution based on something that happened within the first hour of the new year and also based on a review of the past year. Everything that I did in the last year that I really regret and for which I felt disappointed in myself, occurred because I had at least a couple of drinks in me. So, my resolution is to have no more than one drink in a given day.
In 2011, after my suicide attempt, I stopped drinking altogether for a while because I knew that I'm more likely to hurt myself when I've been drinking. But this past year I started getting more comfortable because I felt like I was mentally well enough to be able to drink whatever I wanted without doing anything stupid. But I pretty much disproved that theory on new years. When I drink, my inhibitions are down and I start to give into any impulse I have. If my thoughts start spiraling in a negative direction it turns into a dangerous situation and that's what happened on new years.
After the new years situation, I spent about an hour crying in therapy about how disappointed I am in myself, and then a half hour promising that I'm safe and then immediately after all of that I got a $200 speeding ticket on my way to work. Woo! Soooo yeah, not a great start to the year. But last year started out even shittier and it turned out pretty OK overall. Maybe this will even turn out to be a good year...
I'm glad that I don't really believe in the idea that your whole year has to go the same way that it starts out... because I had kiiiind of a shaky start to 2013. I had a really nice Christmas with my family, and it was a nice break from thinking about things. But once I got home, I suddenly crashed into feeling depressed and anxious. Maybe I was holding it all back so that I could enjoy the holidays and it had to attack me when the holidays were over. It's not really the worst depression I've ever felt, but I was still surprised because I haven't really felt this kind of grey, flat, want-to-isolate depression in a while.
I had to make a slightly belated new years resolution based on something that happened within the first hour of the new year and also based on a review of the past year. Everything that I did in the last year that I really regret and for which I felt disappointed in myself, occurred because I had at least a couple of drinks in me. So, my resolution is to have no more than one drink in a given day.
In 2011, after my suicide attempt, I stopped drinking altogether for a while because I knew that I'm more likely to hurt myself when I've been drinking. But this past year I started getting more comfortable because I felt like I was mentally well enough to be able to drink whatever I wanted without doing anything stupid. But I pretty much disproved that theory on new years. When I drink, my inhibitions are down and I start to give into any impulse I have. If my thoughts start spiraling in a negative direction it turns into a dangerous situation and that's what happened on new years.
After the new years situation, I spent about an hour crying in therapy about how disappointed I am in myself, and then a half hour promising that I'm safe and then immediately after all of that I got a $200 speeding ticket on my way to work. Woo! Soooo yeah, not a great start to the year. But last year started out even shittier and it turned out pretty OK overall. Maybe this will even turn out to be a good year...
This year WILL be better. I can feel it :)
ReplyDeleteI personally do not believe in New Years Resolutions. Why put off to tomorrow what you can do today? Although, that is easier said than done! There are so many things I need to change or want to change...but can never seem to do them! 2013 will be MY year of change :)
S
:) Definitely way easier said than done...! I'm never very good at keeping to my resolutions. Unfortunately change is hard and often takes a few mistakes and a lot of determination before it happens. I've already broken my new years resolution!! But I actually made a different one to replace the one that I broke right before I broke it. I will CALL SOMEBODY if I'm feeling like I might want to hurt myself (drunk or not).
DeleteI wish you luck in working towards the changes that you want for this year!
Kate
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